It’s been a while since I last checked into this safe space. Life has been tossing me to and fro between high hopes and utter hopelessness. I’ve seen beauty…even miracles that were unfortunately followed by shattered dreams and coming face to face with the dull reality that I have a mental illness and by legal definition a disability of sorts. Sobriety tells me that perhaps the rest of my life is going to be a bit unorthodox—spent finding unique ways to adapt in a world that is meant for the sane, the strong—the “fittest” so to speak.
What I have come to terms with in my pessimism is that this world is spinning on it’s axis and is held in place by forces of vanity and self-reliance. You’re not human enough if you can’t do it all on your own and yet I may never be able to. How has society defined strength? At my age is that just holding together a full-time professional job in corporate America, and showcasing my degree and intelligence to the world? If by such shallow standards society has measured my dignity, it is important to note that I had already achieved that, and yet I was crumbling under the weight of it all. Is there any room for the lame in this “dog-eat-dog” western society?
This question brings to mind the lepers of society in Jesus’ day. It was taboo to even go near them and there was a complete lack of empathy for such suffering for they were thought to have brought it upon themselves as a result of their sin, or some sort of demonic oppression. No one was to come near them lest they’d fall ill to the same curse of a disease, and yet “having been moved by compassion”, Jesus cleansed the leper (Mark 1:41). The heart of God is always being revealed in the person of Jesus.
It recently occurred to me that perhaps Jesus is more concerned with our being molded into his very person than with measuring up to society’s standards. Boy it is that a cross to bear, and relief all at once. It sort of frees me from my ego. It gives me rest in this time of working part-time and receiving disability benefits from social security instead of being the strong go-getter, hardball woman that I envisioned myself to be.
Coming to the Hem of His Garment
Haven’t you heard of the prostitute who wept at Jesus’ feet? Jesus spoke of her saying “the one who has been forgiven much loves much”. The whole time that I complained about the ach from these thorns of flesh, I was really feeling the weight of his glory. He was really bringing me deeper into the tides of his love and compassion. While, the Lord has all authority to give me a traditional lifestyle, he would much rather go deeper into my heart, healing wounds, by peeling back bandaids and showing me that he can minister to the irreversible damage that that has marred my soul. I am not alone and yet I realize that most in my solitude where the presence of God is most pronounced.
God is not Cruel
I am totally not saying that God does not want to give you beautiful things. I am simply asking you to dive deeper into what “beautiful” means. You were uniquely created. He knit you together in your mother’s womb and predestined you for a path designed for you! Can society heal the leper? No! Society shuns the leper, but Jesus gives him value, and more than that a testimony. Can you find beauty in the unfolding of your testimony? Can you remember that he will bring you out of these very trying times? Most importantly….he is healing you!
I love you,