Lately, the most restless thought that has been running through my mind is how difficult life is. It is a spontaneous course of seemingly random events that are at times favorable and at other times extremely trying. I never thought life would be this way as a little girl. I can remember endless fantasies of loving and being loved– of the beautiful, but selfless life I envisioned I would lead. I thought life would at times be hard, but never could I have fathomed that it would be as hard as it has been. Sometimes I just grow weary.
I know that as Christians we are often encouraged that striving is all but necessary,and that Christ’s life lived through us is enough to please God. I get it. On the other hand I am afraid that if I stop my futile efforts at keeping it all together, I will wake up to a life of utter disorder and failure. I want it all to make sense. I want to let go and let God but I also want a pat on the back. I want him to say that with me he is well-pleased. I want him to love me. I want a little bit of a hip hip hooray!
In contrast to my desperate efforts at pleasing God, the sad reality remains that I am a mere human being and that my priority above all else,is, and will likely always be to survive. I cannot obscure that the very blatant truth that I want to preserve my life . As a result, I have lately found myself in the most unorthodox of situations for a christian walking in such intimacy with Christ. I have found myself in a swarm of sin trying to release anxiety and cause my depression to subside. I just need a release of all the pressure. The medicine is working only partially, and therapy would only frustrate me right now. I cannot stand the look the doctors give you when they cannot make sense of your ordeal. It’s just down right annoying to have to explain over and over the extent of my suffering until it has become a nuance. I am just trying to survive.
Have you been there before? Can you feel my pain? I am not trying to cause your tender to heart to ache as a reader, but I want to allow you a glimpse into what is so often referred to as the “real-world”. Jesus told us that in this world we would have trouble (John 16:33). What makes it the real world is the fact that contrary to our precious juvenile fantasies it is rarely linear, and due to the fallen state of the world it is not always the case that people are carrying on with a life that is treating them according to what their deeds merit. “Life’s not fair”, they told us when we were children. They were right.
“….But take heart because I have overcome the world”
I think I am going to challenge myself to let go and allow this verse to become a reality. He says he has overcome the world and earlier in this same book, the book of john, he plainly states that there is no work left to do except to believe on him (John 6:29). I do not KNOW that this is true. I do not know if he has really paid it all, but I do know that as a child of God his promises are all my inheritance. Even if I cannot make sense of them they are still effective. He has overcome the world. I do not have to.