Tearing Down the Walls

Sometimes we just don’t understand certain things that happen in our lives. I will not pretend that I have all the answers. I must to confess most candidly, that I battle chronic loneliness. I even at times fall so low that I am convinced God has left me. In these instances, there is absolutely no possibility of talking myself back into believing that otherwise might be the case. I am so numb to all of life’s joys. My tummy churns inside and food cannot be digested. I smile, but it is because I have taught myself to do so for so long that most of the times I cannot cry (if I wanted to). Really it is in only a survival mechanism.

Oddly:

Somewhere packed deep within all the inner turmoil, I know that God is with me. When the situation has climaxed to this intensity however, if I tell myself that God is with me I only embitter myself more. By smiling, I only give others the peace of mind that I am okay but in doing so, I neglect how I truly feel. I am not okay. I am sick and I need to be nursed back to wellness. It has occurred to me that many of my brothers and sisters in Christ are perplexed at the sequence of events in my life. Things seem to get better, and I experience healing, but the cycle only repeats itself and I find myself for the 10th time in these traumas that people only expect to go through once in a lifetime. It has been this way since I was a child. I will not lie. I get angry with God, whom I love with all my strength and mind and have devoted all my life to. I think what hurts the most is that I was told that once you give your all to Christ he never leaves you……So why then, DID HE LEAVE ME? Where is he to be found? Tell me where is my God?

I am very deep and pensive, and there are moments when I consider that my “righteousness” and unwillingness to break under pressure have served as walls that only prevent God’s love from entering into the very crevices of my heart. Is He in need of reassurance that I am okay? Let’s be honest, he’s God. Who am I serving here? In pretending to be okay, I notice that I make more friends. I notice people love Mari when she’s funny and always has something good to say. I notice people like Mari’s creativity and her willingness to selflessly devote all her time to others. I notice people like Mari’s knowledge of the scriptures. I do notice.

“For your maker is your husband–the LORD Almighty is his name–the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer” Isaiah 54:5

Except, when all hell breaks loose and the truth comes out that Mari’s not okay, and that she actually hasn’t been for a while. People run. There’s just too much pain for them to handle. It cannot be understood. The most devoted among the brethren cannot make sense of it. They cannot speak life over the situation. They turn their heads in the opposite direction and experience a manufactured sense serenity because real can sometimes just be too real for the majority of people. Christians and non-believers are alike in this sense. I cannot however blame them. We all must guard our hearts lest we all become equally wounded and end up together in the same pit. It is understandable.

I’d say humans struggle with reality just in general, and I cannot always help people myself. But I can tell you that when I take the courage to let my feelings be what they are no matter how many people walk clean away from my dire situation, the reality of this verse in Isaiah is made known to me. More than anywhere I am bold before the throne of grace and I have confidence to do this because I KNOW that He is my husband. I know somewhere in the chaos that He has not forsaken me. Were it not so I do not think that he would meet me in this dark and hollow place where I experience his all encompassing love, even through my bitter tears.

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